The Gottman Method: How to Discuss Sensitive Topics in Relationships
Written by Alessandra Martinez
Have you ever wanted to talk to your partner but are scared of getting into an argument? Do you want to feel close to your partner and be able to share your feelings with them? Do you wonder how you can begin a conversation without it becoming a fight? John Gottman's method of a "gentle start-up" is a strategy made to improve the effectiveness of conversations, especially in resolving conflicts or bringing up sensitive topics. This technique highlights the importance of starting conversations in a way that is respectful, calm, and non-confrontational. It can increase the chances of us having productive discussions in our relationships and have positive results.
Below are key elements of the gentle start-up method:
Start Gently: Rather than immediately diving into a potentially difficult topic, start with a gentle and soft tone. Say how you feel and what your needs are by using "I" statements, which focus on your emotions and perspective. We want to avoid blaming or accusing the other person.
Avoid Criticism: Steer clear of starting a discussion with any criticism or contempt. One of the lessons learned from a Gottman research study is that the way couples begin a discussion about an issue, especially how it is presented and responded to, is very critical. The goal is to share your concerns in a way that leads with your feelings about observations without criticizing our partner’s character or actions.
Use Positive Language: Say what you wish for or hope for, and/or what you would like more of. Rather than having your partner guess what you need or to read your mind, say it explicitly. Example: I would appreciate it if you would take the trash out tonight.
Give Appreciation: Recognizing what our partners are doing well is one of the best ways to go.
Be Calm: Keep your emotions in check and maintain a calm demeanor. Take a moment to pause and take a deep breath if that helps. You may want to consider learning what your emotional triggers are in order to avoid becoming defensive or reactive.
Listen Actively: Be an attentive listener. Reflect back the emotions and feelings that your partner expresses to you. Try your best to hold empathy and show genuine interest in how the other person views things.
The intention behind the gentle start-up method is to build a strong foundation wherein couples have open and respectful communication. These skills can bring healthier and more productive interactions. Partners can establish an environment where discussions have understanding and empathy, while avoiding harsh criticism, negative language, and hostility. It brings hope that our conversations will have a higher chance of reaching mutually satisfying resolutions. This approach stems from John Gottman's research on successful relationships.