The Gottman Method: How To Improve Your Relationship in 6 Hours
Written by Alessandra Martinez
What habits create a healthy and happy relationship? Keep reading if you’re looking to know what makes a relationship great.
John Gottman is considered one of the most well-known researchers with couples and relationships. He has studied intimate relationships for more than forty years. He has written several books on this subject including marital therapy, and the science around trust. One can confidently conclude that John Gottman is knowledgeable when it comes to understanding what qualities help long-term relationships succeed.
According to his research findings, the couples who spend six hours each week on their relationship demonstrate a noteworthy improvement. These six hours are split up throughout the week depending on the couple’s respective schedules. If you want to start taking steps towards a better relationship, you can do so by following this approach. The idea behind this six hour approach is that successful couples engage with each other despite what might happen.
It is up to you and your partner on how you choose to spread out these six hours throughout the week. One tip to get started is mapping out the week (Monday to Sunday) on a calendar or schedule planner. Sit with your partner and work together to come up with a plan. Make sure to be mindful of other areas of your life such as childcare, work, education, and family time. This process takes time. Here are other important things to consider when incorporating these six hours:
Partings: Make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in your partner’s life before saying goodbye in the morning. Do they have lunch plans? Do they have a dentist appointment? Be curious and ask questions about your partner’s day. (Time allocation: 10 minutes per week or 2 minutes a day x 5 working days)
Reunions: At the end of the day, share a hug and kiss with your partner for about six seconds. Then have a conversation about what might be stressors or issues that your partner is facing outside of the relationship. (Time allocation: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week or 20 minutes a day x 5 working days)
Appreciation & Admiration: Find ways to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. This will enable you to see the positive qualities of your partner while also making them feel valued. (Time allocation: 35 minutes per week or 5 minutes a day x 7 days)
Affection: A vital aspect of feeling connected to each other is showing physical affection when you are together. Examples include a goodnight kiss or cuddling. (Time allocation: 35 minutes a week or 5 minutes a day x 7 days)
Date Night: This does not need to be a fancy dinner or expensive night out on the town. A sweet and simple night at work too. This time together needs to be intentional where you have your undivided attention towards each other with no distractions. (Time allocation: 2 hours once a week)
Weekly Check-in: The last hour per week is the chance to discuss any concerns within the relationship. This has shown to change the way partners manage conflict. Talk about what is going well in your relationship over the last week. You might even consider giving each other appreciation for things you haven’t mentioned yet. Don’t be afraid to be specific and include examples. When discussing any issues, try taking turns being the speaker and the listener. At the end, ask each other, “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?” (Time allocation: 1 hour a week)
It might be hard at first trying to incorporate change or experience a new “norm.” Try your best to keep each other accountable to the plan and be gentle with each other as you embark together on this. Sudden things may come up or there are unexpected plans. That is okay. Each day does not have to be perfect as long as you both are willing to continue trying.
Try committing to this schedule for an entire month. Once the month is over, sit with your partner again and reflect on how the six hour plan affected the relationship.
John Gottman’s research suggests that couples who want to have a relationship that is both satisfying and positive should spend six hours each week incorporating strategic ways. The initial attempts made to repair a relationship is not an easy thing to do. However, most things in life worth having are not easy. If you and your partner are both willing to work on it, then it is worth all the effort and discomfort easing into this process.