Use This Tip To Become A Good Listener In Your Relationship

Written by Alessandra Martinez

Some couples find themselves having issues with their communication. The conversations start off calm and then all of a sudden it turns into an argument. There might be fighting and some yelling. In the end, both partners end up feeling upset. One of the reasons why we may struggle with communication is because we have a hard time understanding each other. We feel hurt when it seems like our partner is not actually listening to what we are saying. We might get stuck in this loop where we feel like it is going in circles without any resolution. Healthy couples are able to listen to their partner’s worries or concerns. So how can I become a better listener in my relationship?

We can use the skill of reflective listening to really make our partner feel heard and understood. We can learn and practice this skill so that even the most difficult conversations will be efficient. Reflective listening is really about understanding what is happening for your partner. It slows down the conversation in a way that needs time and careful attention. It is best that the couple has the openness and willingness to resolve the problem while listening. This skill can even help build trust with each other.

Start by repeating back what your partner says, but in your own words. This demonstrates that you are not only *hearing* what they say, but actively trying to understand them. It might feel strange at first, especially if this is something different from what you are used to. However, using reflective listening correctly typically brings a positive response from your partner and will help facilitate a productive conversation.

For example, your partner might say, “I feel stressed because work has been so overwhelming. I am having a hard time keeping up with everything.” When using reflective listening, you might respond by saying, “It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress. I can see how that is a lot for you to handle.”

Essentially you are repeating back what your partner is saying to ensure that you are accurately understanding their perspective. Remember, it does not have to be perfect and you do not always have to agree with what is said. You can even welcome your partner to correct you if you initially misheard. This can be good! Now you will open up opportunities to have a better understanding of what your partner is trying to share with you.

Your tone of voice with this skill is also important. Try to show compassion and really be present while reflecting. The main focus is not on the details but also trying to hear the emotions behind what your partner is expressing.

Other additional tips include the following: Try not to think about what you want to say next while your partner is speaking. This defeats the purpose of listening! Make sure your partner has their turn to speak and avoid interrupting if possible.

Reflective listening is a crucial part of healthy communication. Couples who regularly incorporate this into their interactions are able to effectively communicate with each other. It will take work to develop this as a regular occurrence, but with enough time and practice it will be worth the effort. This skill can help mitigate arguments and prevent us from feeling constantly misunderstood. Try practicing this at home or reach out to a professional for couple’s therapy for additional support.